I have a big fat stupid crush on someone...
How immature.. ugh
I found this draft I wrote a little over 2 years ago..
It's about a girl I still have a big fat stupid crush on.
She is so very important to me still.
I love her.
Progress in Days Gone By
Monday, January 6, 2014
Times like today I guess
Sometimes I just get jealous.
I want her so badly.
But my affection is too palpable.
It's like a blanket that you can only have on so long before you start to sweat.
I need to figure out how to control myself.
I need to figure out how to move with life.
I need to stick with what comes,
follow what goes,
and strike when there is no contact.
I just want to call her mine,
and for her to call me hers.
I want to know that when she goes home,
she'll be coming home to me.
Where we can talk while we fall asleep.
Where we can have dinner together.
Where we can talk about the little intricate details of our days and how we felt about it.
Where we can just be us.
Us.
US.
I want her so badly.
But my affection is too palpable.
It's like a blanket that you can only have on so long before you start to sweat.
I need to figure out how to control myself.
I need to figure out how to move with life.
I need to stick with what comes,
follow what goes,
and strike when there is no contact.
I just want to call her mine,
and for her to call me hers.
I want to know that when she goes home,
she'll be coming home to me.
Where we can talk while we fall asleep.
Where we can have dinner together.
Where we can talk about the little intricate details of our days and how we felt about it.
Where we can just be us.
Us.
US.
Friday, April 5, 2013
I
Have you ever felt lost?
Alone?
I abhor feeling like that.
I hate feeling singular.
I am scared of abandonment.
You know,
it took a while.
For me to realize that I was wrong.
That I was just wasting her time.
Just to watch her drift away.
Like they all do.
Like always.
I am not what they need.
Because I am not what I need.
I am a failure.
And I will remain as such.
Until I succeed.
But that may be quite a way off.
So a failure I remain.
I am in despair.
I am shutting off.
I am emotionless.
I am cold.
I am a robot.
I go through motions.
I look like a real boy.
I am not.
I am not.
I am not.
I feel so... lost,
abandoned,
broken down,
alone.
Alone?
I abhor feeling like that.
I hate feeling singular.
I am scared of abandonment.
You know,
it took a while.
For me to realize that I was wrong.
That I was just wasting her time.
Just to watch her drift away.
Like they all do.
Like always.
I am not what they need.
Because I am not what I need.
I am a failure.
And I will remain as such.
Until I succeed.
But that may be quite a way off.
So a failure I remain.
I am in despair.
I am shutting off.
I am emotionless.
I am cold.
I am a robot.
I go through motions.
I look like a real boy.
I am not.
I am not.
I am not.
I feel so... lost,
abandoned,
broken down,
alone.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Reasons
I bet you never knew that I was doing this for you.
Just to impress you.
Clearly the way I was wasnt enough
so now I am changing
this steady change is tough
but its what I need
I would do it for me
but whats the point in that
to be better for no reason
it makes no sense
its selfish how it is now though
I am changing because I want something
because I want someone.
I am changing for a reward
Even though I know I wont get it
There is still room to hope.
Should I keep it up
or give it up?
That is my question
I need to answer it myself of course
Just to impress you.
Clearly the way I was wasnt enough
so now I am changing
this steady change is tough
but its what I need
I would do it for me
but whats the point in that
to be better for no reason
it makes no sense
its selfish how it is now though
I am changing because I want something
because I want someone.
I am changing for a reward
Even though I know I wont get it
There is still room to hope.
Should I keep it up
or give it up?
That is my question
I need to answer it myself of course
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Hallows Weekend
Starting from Friday I guess.
I decided that I didn't want to go to work Friday on Saturday the previous week. So, I started looking for people to cover for me starting with Monday. I could find nobody that wanted to cover for me, but luckily on Tuesday I started to get sick so I could come up with a good excuse to get out of work and go to a Halloween party that a very good friend of mine was having. So, by Friday I still hadn't found anyone that was able to take my shift. I was looking for someone to cover for me and needed to check the schedule so I could either trade shifts with someone, or find a person not working, but my computer froze for about three minutes and was showing no signs of unfreezing, so I pseudo-soft-palmed it and accidentally scratched the hard drive, and now when I start it it says "NTDETECT failed"... So I called in with an excuse that got me out of most of my shift; a doctor's appointment. I called the manager and he said just to come in as soon as my appointment was over. So I figured I could come back around 10pm. Because my "appointment" started at 7pm, and work started at 5pm. Both ended at 12am, so I thought it would be fine to get to work and only work for two hours. However, my manager kept me there till 2:15am. So, I didn't get home till about 2:40am.
On to Saturday.
I slept till 12pm, woke up, went to Chase Bank, cashed my paycheck, and then came home and played video games while deciding on if I wanted to have plans last night. I ended up making plans with Rachelle Shute, and her boyfriend Jon Hoffman. When we all finally got together, we ended up going ice skating. We took Eric, Rachelle's younger brother, with us as well. I have never done that before so I was rather apprehensive about it, but she talked me into it and we went anyways. There was construction on the roads, so it took us a while to actually get to the ice skating place, but when we did we had fun. I didn't fall, probably because of my immense fear of falling, but I did have a few close calls. After ice skating we went back to Rachelle's house and watched Reign of Fire. A very lovely movie about dragons and such. After that, I was taken home, and then went to sleep, after texting a friend from Anime Banzai, Anona, playing guitar, and looking at scars in the black light.
And now for Sunday. The day of Hallows. I do indeed hope that today turns out well, as I do hold high expectations for it.
I decided that I didn't want to go to work Friday on Saturday the previous week. So, I started looking for people to cover for me starting with Monday. I could find nobody that wanted to cover for me, but luckily on Tuesday I started to get sick so I could come up with a good excuse to get out of work and go to a Halloween party that a very good friend of mine was having. So, by Friday I still hadn't found anyone that was able to take my shift. I was looking for someone to cover for me and needed to check the schedule so I could either trade shifts with someone, or find a person not working, but my computer froze for about three minutes and was showing no signs of unfreezing, so I pseudo-soft-palmed it and accidentally scratched the hard drive, and now when I start it it says "NTDETECT failed"... So I called in with an excuse that got me out of most of my shift; a doctor's appointment. I called the manager and he said just to come in as soon as my appointment was over. So I figured I could come back around 10pm. Because my "appointment" started at 7pm, and work started at 5pm. Both ended at 12am, so I thought it would be fine to get to work and only work for two hours. However, my manager kept me there till 2:15am. So, I didn't get home till about 2:40am.
On to Saturday.
I slept till 12pm, woke up, went to Chase Bank, cashed my paycheck, and then came home and played video games while deciding on if I wanted to have plans last night. I ended up making plans with Rachelle Shute, and her boyfriend Jon Hoffman. When we all finally got together, we ended up going ice skating. We took Eric, Rachelle's younger brother, with us as well. I have never done that before so I was rather apprehensive about it, but she talked me into it and we went anyways. There was construction on the roads, so it took us a while to actually get to the ice skating place, but when we did we had fun. I didn't fall, probably because of my immense fear of falling, but I did have a few close calls. After ice skating we went back to Rachelle's house and watched Reign of Fire. A very lovely movie about dragons and such. After that, I was taken home, and then went to sleep, after texting a friend from Anime Banzai, Anona, playing guitar, and looking at scars in the black light.
And now for Sunday. The day of Hallows. I do indeed hope that today turns out well, as I do hold high expectations for it.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
drills, designs, and dragons
So, the days in the last couple weeks have been somewhat... long, short, exhausting, exhilarating, challenging, and boring, but all have been blessings.
I have made two hat designs which will hold my broken headphones. The Headband part broke some time back, and I used to resort to just holding them there while listening to music or watching movies on my lappy, but after a while my arms got most tired and I came to the conclusion that I would have to do something else so I used a belt at first, then I shoved them in a nightcap, and now, I am making a hat that will work and look good...
Also, I have decided that I will be a dragon-born at some point next Halloween, and I am designing wings that will work, as in open and close. I will start making them as soon as I get the needed information, ie: measurements, sizes, materials needed, and pricing. I have most of what I need now, but I would like to find a lighter weight fabric for the wings, and a few other things like claws for the hands and feet.
Today was most boring till I went to the dentist... I had only planned to go in for a check up and cleaning, but instead I got a pretty bad cavity taken care of. It was borderline root canal. And, now that my face isn't numb, but instead in a little bit of pain, I can eat food without worrying about biting half of my tongue or cheek off, which is very good... I am quite hungry.
So yes, that is how its been the past few days since I have posted.
I am curious about a couple things, Josh/Cora, if you read this will you let me know how to get pictures posted into this thing? I would love to show my designs, but I have no idea how to.. Thanks. :D
I have made two hat designs which will hold my broken headphones. The Headband part broke some time back, and I used to resort to just holding them there while listening to music or watching movies on my lappy, but after a while my arms got most tired and I came to the conclusion that I would have to do something else so I used a belt at first, then I shoved them in a nightcap, and now, I am making a hat that will work and look good...
Also, I have decided that I will be a dragon-born at some point next Halloween, and I am designing wings that will work, as in open and close. I will start making them as soon as I get the needed information, ie: measurements, sizes, materials needed, and pricing. I have most of what I need now, but I would like to find a lighter weight fabric for the wings, and a few other things like claws for the hands and feet.
Today was most boring till I went to the dentist... I had only planned to go in for a check up and cleaning, but instead I got a pretty bad cavity taken care of. It was borderline root canal. And, now that my face isn't numb, but instead in a little bit of pain, I can eat food without worrying about biting half of my tongue or cheek off, which is very good... I am quite hungry.
So yes, that is how its been the past few days since I have posted.
I am curious about a couple things, Josh/Cora, if you read this will you let me know how to get pictures posted into this thing? I would love to show my designs, but I have no idea how to.. Thanks. :D
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